i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
