sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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