just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
