i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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