sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
