I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
