oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
