Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Randomize
