I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
