When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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