last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
