I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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