the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
