I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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