where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
