I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
