Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
