dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
