you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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