Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
