It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
