I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i will never coherently bang her
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
