I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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