I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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