Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
