Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Randomize
