On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
