I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
