I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
