I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
