my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
