i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
