Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
