we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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