plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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