Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Green mimosas i think yes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
