dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
