I need to stop coming to work sober
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
