in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
