you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
