when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
