we have officially lost it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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