Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
