So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
