Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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