So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
