So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
