you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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