Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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