I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
