the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
