I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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